Imagine building a house. You wouldn’t wait until a storm hits to start laying bricks. Yet, in our relationships, that’s exactly what we often do.
Last week, a good friend—a driven physician—looked up after a decade sprinting through medical training. A sudden family emergency left him facing a harsh truth: he'd been so consumed by the career path that his friendships had atrophied.
“I have friends,” he admitted, “but it’s been so long. It feels awkward to call only when I need them.”
His words echoed something profound:
Friendships are built on tiny moments of conenction.
And contrary to popular belief, they're not forged by grand gestures. Instead, they're nurtured by small, consistent "connection moments", what relationship expert Dr. John Gottman calls turning toward emotional bids.
According to Gottman’s groundbreaking research, couples who respond positively to tiny bids for connection 86% of the time stay together. Those who only respond 33% of the time? They break apart.
These moments (a quick "thinking of you" text, reacting warmly to a friend's story, or sending a spontaneous 20-second voice memo) might seem insignificant, but science (and life) shows they compound into meaningful connections. Exactly the type that keep you above water in a crisis
The Difference Between Using People and Being There for People
Adam Grant puts it perfectly:
"In transactional relationships, people only reach out when they want something from you. They use your connection to achieve their goals. In meaningful relationships, people get in touch when they think of you. Staying connected and being helpful are their goals." -Adam Grant
This isn't just advice, it's survival wisdom.
The Connection Moment Framework
Here's how to transform this insight into daily practice:
1. Map Your Inner Circle
Ask yourself: "If life went sideways tomorrow, who are my first five calls?" That's your inner circle.
2. Plant Daily Seeds
Now that you've got your inner circle, dedicate 5 minutes daily to connection moments:
- Monday: Send a voice memo while making coffee
- Tuesday: Share an article that reminded you of someone
- Wednesday: Ask someone about their recent win (and really listen)
- Thursday: Send a meme or funny memory
- Friday: Text someone you haven't talked to in a while
3. Practice the 30-Second Rule
When someone crosses your mind, reach out immediately. A quick "Thinking of you!" goes further than a perfectly crafted message sent weeks later.
4. Use Life Triggers
Use everyday moments as connection prompts:
- Hear a song? Share it with someone who'd appreciate it
- Pass a favorite restaurant? Text a friend about your last meal there
- See an interesting post? Share it with the person it made you think of
5. Build Connection Momentum
Start small, stay consistent. One message per day creates 365 touchpoints annually, that's relationship wealth compounding in real-time.
Take action now:
- Open Soonly.
- Add one friend from your inner circle.
- Set a "connection moment" for today.
From Micro to Monumental
The big moments in life don't announce themselves in advance. But the small moments? They're always available, and always matter.
Start now. Your friendships (and your future self) will thank you.
Ready to make connection moments automatic? Soonly helps you turn intention into habit, ensuring the people who matter never slip through the cracks of your busy life.